My Picture Perfect Quarantine: NAILED IT

Quarantine 2020 is winding down for some. Though things aren't going to be at 100% for awhile, at least the light at the end of this long LONG tunnel is starting to peak through. I don't know about you, but when this pandemic and nationwide "shut down" took effect, I wasn't too bummed. I thought that I was going to use this time to be super productive and work on things that I had been putting off. I also have to acknowledge the fact that I have been extremely lucky during this time. I have an "essential" job (as if all jobs aren't essential), and I have even been able to work from home. Not to mention, no one in my life, to the best of my knowledge, has suffered from this devastating virus. Though I had the sincerest intentions of being a super motivated, got her sh*t together [insert z-snap], quarantiner, do you know what I actually accomplished? Zilch. Nada. Naught. I did, however, manage to make it this far in one piece.

For the majority of this quarantine, a major focus of mine has been making sure that I am doing my part for society and staying home as much as possible. In the midst of staying home 99% of the time, I started to lose my normal routine, as I'm sure many of you have as well. Now, I wasn't overly joyed with my daily routine pre-quarantine, but it was something, and it gave my life structure. At the start of it all, I continued to get up at my normal time each morning, even though I didn't need to get ready for the day, pack my lunch, or make that oh-so strenuous 15 minute commute to work. I told myself that I didn't want to get out of my routine, because that would make my inevitable transition back into normalcy that much more difficult. Guess how long it took me to fall off of the structure wagon? A week... if I'm being generous.

It became way too easy to roll out of bed with just enough time to make myself a mug of coffee (and by mug, I do mean the massive ones, not those wimpy 8 ouncers made for noobs) and sign into my computer. At first, that lax shift in my routine felt AMAZING, kind of like the closest thing to a vacation that I was going to get. That elated feeling did not last long, however. After a week or so of this new routine, I began to feel "blah." Forgive my lackluster word of choice, but it perfectly describes the way I felt. I wasn't feeling drowning sadness, I wasn't riddled with anxiety, but I wasn't overly enthusiastic or optimistic either. It seems that during my transition, and learning to cope with my new (temporary) norm, I lost myself.

I've mentioned in previous posts that the last few years of my life have been filled with personal growth and getting to know Me. Though I still felt a disconnect with my authentic self, I was nevertheless making process. All of that work seemed to come to a halt, however, when I realized that during this quarantine, I have been on a rotating schedule with the same five pairs of sweats/pj pants... sometimes wearing them more days in a row than I am comfortable admitting. I have been wearing my hair in a true to the definition "messy bun" so much that my hair could probably hold that style without a hair tie. I began letting go of my favorite creative outlet by going weeks without doing my makeup or normal skincare routine. I stopped working out... no excuses, I'm just lazy without the gym to hold me accountable... so quarantine snacks have taken their toll (I desperately need the chip companies to halt their productions of those salty, addictive snacks STAT). As if all of that slack wasn't enough, the weather here in Ohio has been Satan's idea of a funny joke, so my skin is still ghastly transparent, and I'm fairly confident that I am in desperate need of some Vitamin D.

My quarantine laziness got to a point where I deliberately made it a point to avoid mirrors like my life depended on it, because looking at my reflection forced me to confront my "failure" of being productive during this time. The thing was, I didn't need to look into a mirror for that confrontation, the weight of the guilt I felt was stronger than anything else. It finally hit me that I needed to be a little more kind to myself. This is a scary time full of unknowns and paramount fears. It's okay that I didn't do the things that I intended to do. The version of myself that created those goals had no idea what this version of myself was going to have to cope with, and how much energy would be consumed just simply trying to be here, in the moment. Because in times like this, here, in the now, is the only safe place to be.

My story isn't special. Every single person has been affected by this pandemic in one or many ways. I am simply sharing this with you so that you know that whatever you're feeling, and however you have been getting through each day, you're doing amazing. This is something that most people have never experienced before, and there is no right or wrong way to get through it. The important thing is that we keep going, whether gracefully or not, and that we hold onto any sliver of hope that we can. Be kind to yourself, and stay safe.

xoxo