Geronimo!

It's been almost a year since I created this platform and published my first blogpost. Superficially, it may not seem like much progress, because, let's face it, a year is a long time to spend working on seven posts. But to me, the work that I've put in this past year actually feels like tremendous progress. When I decided to take a leap of faith and start this blog, I thought it was going to be an easy(ish) way to express myself. Though the intent was there, I still lacked the key component to making this platform a success: Confidence.

With this factor lacking, I was left feeling uninspired and unmotivated until the latter end of the year. During that massive gap between my my second and third posts, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about writing. I would wake up motivated and prepared to get back into it, but by the end of the day, in my mentally exhausted state, I'd make excuses for myself and PROMISE to start "tomorrow." I never started "tomorrow," because that excuse became easier and easier to make and accept. Not only did my excuses prevent me from seeing what this platform could truly turn into, but they also continuously caused me to let myself down.

I've mentioned in a previous post that I am currently less than happy in my career (maybe one day I'll talk about that nightmare), and that unhappiness ultimately made me start questioning whether or not I wanted to stay in my field. After seven years of college, three degrees, and an obscene amount of student loan debt, that wasn't a comfortable realization. I have honestly loved working on this blog, and the hope of helping at least ONE person feel understood and less alone is starting to become more than enough propulsion.

Throughout this past year, I have comfortably posted some of my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, knowing that I'm speaking to an empty audience. Few people in my life know that I've been working on this blog, and with those few people, I have shared some of my posts. Each post that I shared, I was assured that I was on the right path, and I was asked whether or not this blog was public. The short answer was "yes." The long answer was that though it was public, no one (other than those asking) knew this platform existed.

When I tried to find the words to explain why I hadn't yet chosen to share this part of my life with more people, I struggled to find a valid reason. I began beating myself up for not being braver, which totally contradicted the message that I was trying to relay, and it certainly didn't fall under the guidelines of my positive self-work. I spent the better half of the year trying to validate this question and all of the excuses I had made out of fear, but I was finally able to come to an understanding. I realized that I needed to first be more patient with myself, because I was still learning. Sharing my thoughts and feelings had forced me to be more vulnerable than I ever thought I was capable of, and this new territory was going to take some getting used to. I guess it was easier to be vulnerable when I knew that I was speaking to an empty audience. In a way, it's similar to practicing a speech alone in your bedroom before you actually present the information to a room full of people.

The interesting part is that each time I posted, I have written to an audience that I have envisioned in my head. Some of the people that I picture, I know in real life. They are people that I think I could help, people that I want to prove wrong, and people that I know are cheering for me every single day. Others that I imagine, are simply characters that I have made up... a misunderstood teenager who feels like giving up, a 20 something who is trying to figure out where he belongs in this crazy world, a mom who is trying to reconnect with herself, and a wanderlust spirit who needs reassurance that his dreams aren't too big or too bold.

As scary as it is to know that there's a good chance someone will read these posts now that I've decided to make this platform public, it is also such a freeing and exhilarating feeling. Preparing for this plunge has reminded me a lot of the first time I decided that it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly good plane (zero regrets). That decision took some seriously skilled mental jujitsu to convince myself that it actually was a good idea, and I think that same pep talk is appropriate in this moment as well... take a deep breath, remember to enjoy the ride, keep your eyes open, don't pass out, and on the count of three, JUMP!



xoxo